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Midnight in the disco no longer looking for love

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I took down the sign that said looking for love

When I found someone who threw their fire blanket over it and me

Who offered my heart another gear that moved me along

I waited a long time, never de-illuminating

Those flashing red lights

Words so obvious and so excruciating

A raw not so private universe sending out a pulsing wave

That pushed any chance of real happiness away

Scaring those who, in recognising my openness,

Also recognised my need and fled horrified.

That someone could be translucent, obvious.

Even when entangled in relationships entirely unsuitable

My grand life narrative was barely disguised

However deep however involved however declarations of something like love

Would unfold, the flickering beacon of an unfulfilled core

Was always hailing always failing to let me ignore

That I was nearly empty, shallows wading

Half a woman less than half a man all treachery and weakness

Governed by a subconscious urge that even I couldn’t acknowledge

Leaving emotional collateral along the way my own and that of others.

Seemingly uncaring, heartless.

But not you.

No

You and I (and don’t those words fit so well now it is you and I?)

We slotted right in to each other. In every way.

You rescued me yet tucked me away for safe keeping

When unwittingly you’d given me everything to make me want

To slip outside of my old carapace with its battle scars

And to confront those demons that hid behind my sign

Who whispered you can’t you mustn’t  you shouldn’t

Which threw me of balance most of the time.

But this cotton wool this sheath that smothers me

Keeping me safe and protected largely from myself

Not only doused the fire of my neediness

It suffocated me, and I became you.

More or less.

 

 

 

© Poemic Jan 2011.

 

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