I took down the sign that said looking for love
When I found someone who threw their fire blanket over it and me
Who offered my heart another gear that moved me along
I waited a long time, never de-illuminating
Those flashing red lights
Words so obvious and so excruciating
A raw not so private universe sending out a pulsing wave
That pushed any chance of real happiness away
Scaring those who, in recognising my openness,
Also recognised my need and fled horrified.
That someone could be translucent, obvious.
Even when entangled in relationships entirely unsuitable
My grand life narrative was barely disguised
However deep however involved however declarations of something like love
Would unfold, the flickering beacon of an unfulfilled core
Was always hailing always failing to let me ignore
That I was nearly empty, shallows wading
Half a woman less than half a man all treachery and weakness
Governed by a subconscious urge that even I couldn’t acknowledge
Leaving emotional collateral along the way my own and that of others.
Seemingly uncaring, heartless.
But not you.
No
You and I (and don’t those words fit so well now it is you and I?)
We slotted right in to each other. In every way.
You rescued me yet tucked me away for safe keeping
When unwittingly you’d given me everything to make me want
To slip outside of my old carapace with its battle scars
And to confront those demons that hid behind my sign
Who whispered you can’t you mustn’t you shouldn’t
Which threw me of balance most of the time.
But this cotton wool this sheath that smothers me
Keeping me safe and protected largely from myself
Not only doused the fire of my neediness
It suffocated me, and I became you.
More or less.
© Poemic Jan 2011.
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