Let me complain about some Japanese people for a minute.

Technically I don’t have to ask your permission since it’s my fucking blog and I can write about whatever I want. But I still try to observe decorum, and that counts for something in this crazy world. 

This isn’t going to be a Japan Times(read: Debito Arudou) style gaijin rant about racist Japanese society or anything like that. Just me pointing out some actions by certain groups of Japanese people that my irrelevant and overly judgmental ass finds incredibly annoying.

Group I: Old people who stare at me

First of all, I have to admit, Group I, you should be flown in by the Crips and Bloods (is this a dated reference now?) as subject matter experts on mean mugging. I’m from Philly and have traipsed through some rough neighborhoods in my time but I have never been on the receiving end of such vitriolic gazes as those I have received from Japanese octogenarians(and overzealous middle-aged people). Your beady black eyes burn into my very soul with irrational hatred. 

But if you believe that you’re intimidating, or that your harsh ocular judgment puts me firmly in my place as the stranger in a strange land, you’re mistaken. You just look like an old prick who is about to have a fucking brain aneurysm from trying to hate me too hard.

Group II: Wannabe tough guys

I know what you’re thinking. Aren’t these annoying in every country? That’s true. But what I find peculiar about the Japanese case is that there’s just no need for it here.

If you grew up here, let’s face it, unless you had some kind of extreme circumstance, you lived a life of relative peace and tranquility. Maybe you got into fights at school or something, but that’s your own fucking fault. Seriously, there are no potential predators that you need to scare away by acting all hard. You live in Japan dude. Maybe an old person will stare at you really hard, other than that you have nothing to worry about.

A couple weeks ago I tweeted about an incident in McDonald’s. Let me tell you about this asshole. This jackass was trying harder to look cool and tough than anybody has ever tried at anything. He had dyed blonde hair, and first of all, I don’t know who told him that tough guys dye their hair, but outside of MMA that has never been true in human history. This moron had a kanji tattoo on his fucking calf…you might wanna ask me which one, WHO CARES?!?!? WHY WOULD A JAPANESE PERSON GET A KANJI TATTOO?!?! That’s like a Westerner getting a tattoo that says “Faith” or …ahh shit. Never mind.

Anyway, him and his friend (who was really hurting his tough guy image because he was dressed like a Culture Club reject with the latter-day amendment of those stupid fucking empty glasses) had ordered a shitload of food so a bit of a line had formed. The Usher song “OMG” came on in the store and after grunting some words in his overly deep voice (seriously, the exaggeratedly high voice of some Japanese females gets a lot of attention, why does no one point out that males do the same thing in the other direction?) he had to say “AH! USHER DA” like anybody fucking cared if he knew what song was playing. There were a couple other gaijin in the Micky D’s at this point so I think he was trying to tell us “HEY GUYS, I’M COOL….I KNOW ABOUT WESTERN MUSIC.” 

Finally, he got his food. Apparently there was some kind of debacle with his cherry shake (BTW Japan, this could even be a separate section, but please stop portraying things as American that are in no way associated with America, like cherry fucking shakes). Not seeing fit to engage the enemy at the point of attack, he conducted a tactical retreat into the night and THEN began screaming at the guy, as if the manager of McDonald’s would ever dream of abandoning his sacred post to engage in fisticuffs with this dude. 

This is the only guy I’ve actually caught in the act of being a prick, but I see these types of guys all the time, loudly barking at each other or no one in particular on the street. Oddly they are never with women. 

Group III: Umbrella people

We are experiencing, maybe, 1mm of rainfall. Put the goddamn umbrella away.

Group IV: Girls who want me to buy them champagne

Are you fucking kidding me? Why don’t you just do like all the other girls and wear a vodka tampon to the club.

Group V: Late departures from the train

It’s a tense moment. Our crowd gathers expectantly in front of the train doors, licking our lips in anticipation. We are a crowd only in the sense of composition, density and purpose, there is no unity among us, for only the fittest shall find their asses placed in a seat. The moment of truth arrives. The door swings open. The diligent and business-minded people begin their exit. Now is the time to attack. I take a huge step forward, not only to gain a foothold inside the train but to avoid the preposterously large gap between the platform and the car (seriously, what is that about?) when suddenly, some jackass who just realized he needs to get off here gets in my way, allowing the people on the other side to infiltrate the train earlier and get the seats. Seriously man, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT??!!? This is a grave matter.

Group VI: Slow walkers in one of the most densely populated places on Earth

You know what man, I’m glad you’re having a good time with your lady friend. I’m glad you’re having a leisurely stroll, she’s laughing at your jokes and you got a big smile on your face. You know what, maybe your intentions are even pure. Maybe you’re truly in love with this woman, and not just trying to get into her pants. Maybe your stomach is tingly with the feeling of butterflies and pixies sprinkling magical love dust or some shit.

None of this means that I don’t want to hit you in the back of the head with a bat, because you decided to do this in Shibuya in the middle of the afternoon. Walk faster. 

Well, that’s it.