Self Improvement, Not Self Imitation:
So for the last couple of days, something’s been irritating me and while I can’t seem to find any immediate solutions, I have found yet another personality flaw in my character. I know deep stuff right. Part of this might be direct cause to my change of diet and also the wine cooler I had about 45 minutes ago, but now that I think of it, I’m really such an attention whore.
How To Tell If You’re Trying Too Hard:
Have you ever felt like you’re out of the loop, not one of the cool guys, or just plain out have have a hard time connecting with people?
I’ve been there. I usually ended up putting the blame on myself. Next thing you know, you find yourself in a dark place thinking thoughts like:
“People think I’m boring”
“Nobody likes me”
“What if I’m a loser”
A lot of the times this feeling of aloneness or separation from other people results from being what people would call an attention whore. What’s an attention whore? It’s a person who has a constant need to be in the middle of the spotlight as much as possible. A lot of the time, this person gets laughed at, ridiculed, or people just tend to distance themselves from the attention whore.
You’re not being cool. You’re not being funny. You’re being a loud obnoxious idiot that’s making a scene.
If you want to be cool and for people to like you, you need to be able to learn some self control. Instead of always having to dominate the conversation, try listening for a while.
In a separate note, this goes back to my earlier note: The Playbook. Basically, the point of a conversation is to get to know people. People appreciate listeners because it gets things off their chest. Also, when listening to people, you get to know more about them so both sides are winning as far as listening is concerned. Of course, conversation dynamics are complex and I might talk about them in greater detail later on, but for now just trust me on listening.
Another thing, is just to be relaxed. People like a person who is relaxed or laid back because they’re easily approachable. These people can also be interesting or a lot of fun.
Now what does all of that have to do with trying so hard? Simple. I feel like I’ve been trying too hard to earn people’s “stamp of approval” lately. What you end up doing is tarnishing your reputation and earning their disapproval.
So how to tell if you’re trying too hard?
You ask the question “Am I trying too hard?” Odds are, if you have to ask, you usually are.
Step away and reflect over your recent actions. While I would normally advise against reading too much into events that occurred in the past, it’s a smart thing to do once you’re starting to notice resentment from your peers. Think about it, athletes go over plays from their previous game to improve where they went wrong. That being said, don’t beat yourself over the head because of what you’ve done wrong. You also shouldn’t go apologizing to everyone either (it really doesn’t look good and people aren’t idiots. They’ll usually pick up the message with the change of your behavior and start hanging around you again).
Find something else to occupy your time with. Maybe sometimes you’ve been focused so much on trying to be popular that you’ve grown into a state of mental exhaustion that results in insecurity and desperation. Give yourself the mental break you need by finding something you enjoy doing, or better yet, exercise and burn that stress away.
Now I’m tired and probably going to sleep so I can work on some more finals stuff. This is really a note to myself as much as it is to everyone else. That being said, the last part of this note:
Tell yourself that “everything’s going to be alright”, take some deep breaths, and relax. Telling yourself that everything’s going to be alright is not only reassurance, but you also create a positive self-fulfilling prophecy when everything starts to go good for you.
The Playbook
So I’m pretty much doing this for myself as much as the general public good. Some people may have a hard time dealing with certain things. People are different and it usually requires you to make your own judgement calls, but here are few general case scenarios:
The Friend Zone
This actually happens more often than people think especially if you’re the stereotypical nice guy. You’ve been chilling out with a girl. It starts out really cool and casual, but after a while you start to develop feelings for her. You act a little flirty. She goes along, but the next thing you know, she starts giving you mixed signals. What do you do?
The answer here is one of two things, she’s either toying with you, or you’re about to hit the infamous friend zone. There’s nothing that you can really do about this. As far as the friend zone is concerned, you might as well be her father, her brother, or any other man in her life that she can’t sleep with. Why does this happen? Maybe she just isn’t attracted to you. Maybe she sees you as a good person, but doesn’t want a nasty break up to ruin her friendship? Or she’s using you to get her fix of attention. Whatever the reason, you’re not going to like the outcome. Just deal with it!
Some Signs That You’re About To Get Into/Already In The Friend Zone:
She says “you’re a good guy”, “you’re such a sweetheart”, or (my personal favorite) “You’re such a nice person”
She doesn’t respond to or is creeped out by physical contact (like a slight brush to the shoulder or some other gesture of intimacy)
She calls you her friend
She talks to you about her problems (like you’re her freaking therapist)
You always seem to be the one to initiate the conversations and/or meetings
She calls your meetings “hanging out” instead of something like, let’s see a date
You wonder how she feels about you
Here’s How You Deal (or at least how I do it):
Tell her how you feel. I’m not saying something like give her your whole freaking biography or pour your feelings out on her. Use KISS (Keep It Short and Simple). Something like “I like you” or just flat out ask her out, but if she says no, it’s better than beating yourself up later when you see her with another man.
Assuming she said she doesn’t feel the same way, find ways to create distance. If she texts you, don’t text her back. If she calls, (not answering is a douchebag move) tell her you’re busy and hang up. Eventually she’ll get the message that you don’t want to talk to her.
Find ways to get her out of your mind. This can be anything from calling up your friends for a good time, picking up a hobby, exercising to beat out your frustrations, or just getting busy in school/work.
Delete her number, email, postal address, whatever way you could possibly keep in touch from your address book. If you keep that information, it’s only going to give you false hope that you don’t need right now.
Put yourself or stay on the market. When it all boils down to it, if you have someone else already lined up, the rejection doesn’t feel as bad. I’m not saying that this other girl’s the side chick I’m just saying that it’s fine to keep talking to other people until you become exclusive with someone. It’s simply called keeping your options open.
If you do happen to see this girl you once had feelings for, don’t get bitter, don’t get upset, you’re an adult act like one! Say hi. Keep the conversation short and walk away.
Also, sometimes it’s beneficial to keep an open mind. Especially if she has a lot of cute friends she could introduce you to. The key to that is just not to get your hopes up.
You Don’t See Yourself As Attractive
Everyone’s a little self conscious. That doesn’t mean you have to be a pussy about it! Grow a pair and man up!
So there’s this really cute girl you’ve been watching (I don’t know of any way to make it sound less creepy) and you’re crushing, but have now idea about how to approach her.
Work on yourself. You’re not going to attract the girl of your dreams if you look like you just got out of bed or smell like you just came from the gym. Make sure you properly groom yourself. Wear good clothes (I’ll cover that in a later notes post). Work out and lose the dough boy look (if you can, get ripped). Not only will you start to feel good about yourself, but others will see you feel good about yourself and that will draw them to you like honey does bees
Build up your confidence. This can be anything from telling yourself that you’re awesome to self-improvement: not being yourself, but becoming a better version of yourself.
Practice your intros. I’d advise the best way to do this is by talking to your female friends, but if you can’t use a picture of a hot model or someone that looks good. I mean, I used to have a poster of Kim Kardashian that I call Kimmy and pretend she’s a hot chick that I’m trying to meet somewhere
Don’t Be Afraid of Rejection. Probably will be the hardest and takes the most time to learn, but if you don’t care if you’re rejected or not, you come off as more confident and you’ll have no reason to get nervous
How To Pick Up Chicks
So you took your time, worked out, changed your wardrobe, practiced your intros, even have a little confidence going. Now you’re ready to go out there and meet that hot chick, but you don’t know the first place to start. Here’s what you do:
Don’t use cheesy pickup lines. Every girl that’s remotely attractive will expect that from any guy. That being said, try to avoid complements until you get her out on a date. The best opening line is “hi” or “hello”. “What’s up” is too informal and you’re not trying to be a wangsta. Even better is if you try to open with an open ended question. That will get her talking about herself and when the time is right, you can introduce yourself and possibly get her number.
Get her talking about herself. Just like everyone else, ladies tend to have an ego. If you can get her to talk about herself, good things are going to happen. 1) She’ll think you’re a good listener. 2) She likes to hear the sound of her voice. 3)You come off as interested in her.
Be observant. The best way to start an open ended question is by noticing something about her or the atmosphere you’re in. I.E. “Those are pretty earings. Where’d you get them? My
I miss this one a lot. When I mean a lot, I mean a lot. Keep the conversation short 5-10 minutes is a good length for a first encounter. Any longer and you can run into awkward silences. Either ask her if she would like to go with you somewhere, or tell her you need to go do something (even if you don’t have anything to do, come up with an excuse to leave) and ask her for her number.
This relates to the one above: ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS CLOSE what I mean by that, is ask for her number, leave her a card, anything to get her to keep in contact.
I slowly started to figure this stuff out after working at a cell phone booth inside costco. What it really boils down to is a numbers game. The more people you meet, the more potential dates you could get out of it. Also, it’s about marketing yourself well enough so that people would want to be around you. The most important thing to know is when to stop talking and when to close. At work, we call it “asking for the sale” and if you do it too soon or too late, the person loses interest and walks off. 60% of sales are lost this way.
How To Tell If She Likes You
This is probably the section where it’s very broad and general. People can’t read minds. We just weren’t born that way and honestly I’m glad (I’m pretty sure some people would be disgusted by some of the things that this brain is capable of thinking). What this means is you have two things to go by: what she says and how she behaves. Actions are louder than words. Ladies are subtle. You need to watch out for stuff like this:
She plays with her hair a lot
She smiles a lot
She laughs at your jokes (even the not funny ones)
She’ll excuse herself to go to the restroom (never had this happen to me, but I have lady friends who said they’ve left to the restroom during a date to touch up on their make up)
She’ll ask you questions about your family
She’ll do certain gestures like playful hits to the shoulder, stroke your arm (if it’s exposed)
More obvious:
She flirts with you
You get a text message after you meet. Something like: “I had a good time” or “I had a great night”
She’ll use your name (unlike the word “friend” in the friend zone section)
How To Show Her You’re Interested
A lot of this is going to sound redundant to the friend zone section, but I still feel that if you don’t do some of these things during a date, you’re going to lose out. Doing this could build up what I like to call TCR (Trust Credibility and Rapport). Make sure you did your research first and checked to see if she’s even mildly interested before attempting any of this.
Don’t use terms of endearment like boo, babe, or sweety. Call her by her name instead. She’ll start to grow fond of hearing her own name. Using her name a lot shows that you care and it also helps you remember it better so that you don’t forget it. Nothing offends a woman more than forgetting her name. If you can’t remember her name, pray that someone is around who does so that way you can listen in and see if her name slips in on the conversation.
Try to make physical contact in non-sexual areas. Fondling her crotch, spanking her butt, and messaging her tits come later when you know her better + it’s also offensive earlier on. If you try to touch areas like her arms, hands, or maybe even a pat on the back those are considered more acceptable and she might actually like it. If you can, see if you can get a hug out of her. Ladies like to give hugs.
Smile. Come on? Need I say more? You’re in the presence of a hot babe. You better be the happiest man alive!
Make eye contact. Chicks have told me that when I make eye contact, it feels like I see right through them–like I know what they’re thinking. I know that sounds creepy, but I consider it like some sort of bonding on an emotional or even spiritual level depending on what you believe. Another added bonus is that she might have pretty eyes that you enjoy staring deeply into. Plus chicks think that stuff is romantic and just plain out sexy.
Tease her. Find something to lightly poke fun at and she won’t even see it coming. Make sure that your teasing isn’t too strong or it might come out insulting and make sure you have a smile on so that she knows you’re joking. Teasing her also shows that you have the confidence that she won’t take you seriously which leads to the trust in TCR
If you feel comfortable enough, offer her a kiss (although I can’t say it works from experience you never know). Ultimately, this is like the best gesture that you’re looking for a romantic relationship with someone. The kiss test is either hit or miss.
So really, I just wanted to put out a few pointers for people who are like how I used to be: down on their luck and don’t have the first clue of what to do. Granted, it does take a lot of effort to get to where I’m at. It’s going to take a lot more effort to get to the point where the girls come to me instead of I go to them, but if you don’t put the effort or take the risks, then you have no right to expect a reward. It’s like everything in life. You have to pay your dues first.
Anyway, the biggest part of this guide was the friend zone section because I hated how whenever I’d meet a girl I’d always end up being “just friends”. Ladies, if you’re going to put a guy in the friend zone, just tell him you’re not interested. Don’t give him any false hopes. The friend zone is a horrible place. To me, it feels like a smack in the face; “you’re good enough to be my friend, but not anything else”. Anyway, I know some of my friends also have difficulty in the girls department. Hope this helps and happy hunting.
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