It’s been a tough few weeks. In all honesty, probably the worst I can recall. I’ve been plagued with chaos and emotional distress to the point where I’ve made myself sick. I’ve never experienced this; never thought I would.
I like to be in control of my life, what I do, where I go. I’ve always thought ‘no matter what, I’ll always be in control’.
And yet, suddenly, something began to plague me until I hit my lowest of lows. Even now, my pride refuses to allow me to call it a ‘state of depression’ and yet I know there can be no other explanation. My appetite is gone, and even then I can’t eat for fear of losing the contents of my stomach. My throat is always dry. I sleep less for a max of 2 hours a night, I can’t bring myself to do anything but sit in front my laptop waiting for the next @tag on my personal twitter.
I’ve never experienced this before.
Just the other day my favourite band released a new album. I thought, ‘this is it!’ this’ll be what get’s me out of this god-forsaken mudhole. It worked. For the entire duration of one day I was, for lack of a better word, ‘normal. Then that day ended and I was back in the pits.
So I got to thinking. What? Why? What’s changed? Why am I different? All that sort. I talked with someone. Because I could feel I was reaching my breaking point. I was told that I likely needed a change; to “get out and get some fresh air”. I spend a lot of time on the internet so I was recommended to unplug for a bit.
No for obvious reasons, I can’t unplug but I can reduce my usage to only what is necessary. In other words CIS class. So I’ve banned myself from my personal twitter, as well as tumblr, deviantart, and personal blogs. I don’t use facebook much, anyway, so I won’t be on there much. I was encouraged to buy a book, that maybe overtime reading will become enjoyable.
So last night I did it all. I gave up all those social networking sites and I thought about the next book I’ll buy and as I did so, I found myself smiling. With just one click of a button, one thought of getting away from twitter and the internet I was starting to feel good. So I’m back on track, enlightened and changed.
I’m taking a ‘internet hiatus’ or the best one I can, given the course I’m enrolled in, in effort to re-kindle my connections with myself and my hobbies. I’m taking this as a chance to re-learn what I want to do with myself, where I see myself going.
I was told that I should take some time to do some introspection. Look at my life and where I’ve gone compared to where I wanted to go as well as where I’m going compared where I want to be going. And surprisingly I’ve found that somehow, without realizing, I managed to get completely off track.
So, in some weird non-sensical way, I’m starting over. And my first step is to keep up with this blog! And to turn myself around with school. I’ve fallen so low and now I need to pick myself up.
So today, i’ve vowed, is the last day of whatever nonsense this is. I’m cleaning up the last few stains of dirt and I’m coming back slightly changed. Just slightly!