We all hear about the modern day love stories and their fairy tale endings, but no one truly reveals what happens after “shit hits the fan”. The concept of heartbreak is an untold intricacy that is left in the dark, only to be discovered when it happens to you. They don’t tell us about sleepless nights and mindless agony of wondering what went wrong, the invasion of your mind as the person who caused you pain, infiltrates your thoughts and your daydreams. The bottomless abyss of loneliness and nostalgia, that haunts you through the day. The constant battle between remembering and forgetting, that makes you incapable of letting go. The state of mild depression that is said to be “temporal,” drags on for months at a time, as you grow addicted to the feeling of sadness and abandonment.
I know this because I was also a victim of the twisted logic called love and the labyrinth called heartbreak that follows. Hence, here is is an excerpt from my personal diary. This was back in October, when I was still broken by the man I loved. After six years of what I thought was harmonious union, he broke up with me over the phone because he couldn’t “do this anymore…”
(Disclaimer: Not intended to probe any pity.)
We sat down at the Pizza Hut café, I just thought of everything I couldn’t tell you. The nights I spend thinking about you and what we had, the scars that remind me of your absence or even how I wish that you would wake up one morning and realize that no one will ever love you half as much as I did. I began to tell you how much I missed us and pleaded my case hoping that you will give your love back to me. You showed no remorse for abandoning me but I guess that is what I bargained for. I grabbed some Starbucks coffee and we sat to talk again. I was listening to the stories about your new friends. People I have never met but people you were so fond of. I couldn’t help but to feel jealous of every single one of them because they got to spend time with you, something I could no longer do. You spoke, only it wasn’t really you, you weren’t the same guy I used to love. You looked lifeless and tired and that worried me but I refused to tell you because I didn’t want to scare you away. As the hours went by, I felt you pull away from me more and more with each minute that passed. I felt like an inmate fighting for phone time. Nostalgic, I sat there and questioned your motives. I recapped our whole relationship, six years worth and kept asking myself, “What went wrong here?” I was left only with vague reasoning the day I lost you. You ever did quite say goodbye, I never got a last kiss or heard the last “I love you.” It was mere abandonment when you gave up on me, May 26, because you couldn’t “do this anymore.” What was it? You couldn’t love me anymore? After six fucking years, I wasn’t worth it anymore? Was it that you just stopped loving me or simply gave up trying?
I tried many different methods, to pick myself up again; all of which included drugs and alcohol. Later, I found that they would only numb the pain physically not emotionally. For months, l was legitimately broken and I would just sob at my own sadness because I felt hopeless. I think I truly got over it when I started focusing on myself, I searched for happiness in places I have never even bothered to look. Once I began loving myself, I slowly forgot about him. I realized that the worst part about loving him was losing myself and the best part about losing him was loving myself, for once.
I knew that by being angry, I was only hurting myself. Maybe that’s what I needed, closure, peace, balance and serenity. I completely stopped texting him, stopped calling, stopped caring for him. I distanced myself for a while so I could have time to put myself first, find myself and love myself. Happiness is attainable if you allow it! So pamper yourself, go out with your friends, keep a diary, socialize! But just let it go, let him go!
I guess people have different methods of coping, I searched for self satisfaction, others weep in their own sadness, and some people even “disappear completely” to forget their troubles.
Writer, Frendy Lemorin of ThisisFrendyLemorin shares an article, How to Disappear Completely about one mans quest on the streets of Miami and his way of dealing with his breakup. In his journey, he meets several locals going through their own hardships, expressed by drunken sentiments. He depicts each character one by one and analyzes their behavior to briefly describe how they choose to cope. By watching this, I felt the mutuality of the universal feeling of heartbreak.
Warning; Nudity, sexual content is advised. Intended for individuals who are open-minded.