What the hell is it with everyone wanting to destroy New York? What the beans dude? I freaking live there guys! Like why can’t you go destroy Kansas (which is literally a square) or some place where it doesn’t matter and most people can get away and survive? Like seriously, why the New York obsession? And if it’s not just New York alone getting punched into the ground by God himself or something, it’s always New York that gets the worst of it. What am I talking about? Lets see…..

Armageddon (1998)

Mr. Bruckheimer loves to destroy my beloved city. I live a few train stops away from most of the destruction depicted. This movie isn’t subtle in the least. It freaking begins with New Yorkers getting rained on by big ass space rocks……that are on fire……in space…..COME ON! How the hell can you win against that? I never finished the movie on my own, Aerosmith be damned, but from what I can gather from the poster, Bruce Willis’s giant head ascends into space to finishes the job started in the first five minutes of the movie, destroying the Big Apple in a giant lens flare. While this is happening, a spaceship is taking off also leaving destruction in its wake and the sun crashes into Ben Affleck and some woman. I think that’s pretty accurate but whatever man, I’m not in journalism class.

Cloverfield (2008)

A modern day classic, and one of my personal favorites, Cloverfield is a fine film about Godzilla’s cousin on vacation in the city that never sleeps (brought to you by J.J. Abrams who rebooted Star Trek <3). But he doesn’t come alone; he brings his spider children to come have dinner as well. The film starts with Ms. Liberty getting her head ripped off, and then thrown into Manhattan. Like what? Why? Couldn’t just throw it at the miles of water surrounding the island? No, it had to be at New York City and its inhabitants. The rest of the film consists on Mr. Cloverfield dumping on all of New York and having a grand ol’ time using New Yorkers as toothpicks, baseballs and oh yeah lunch. Not even the rats are safe, as seen in the subway tunnel scene….those poor, poor rats.

Deep Impact (1998)

Not to be confused with that one porno you caught your cousin watching, Deep Impact is a film about a rock the hits none other the New York City. In a perfect world where Morgan Freeman is president (seriously, if he was president I think the world would be a better place) God decides New York City should get the buissness. So what happens? In the awesomeness that is Mr. Freeman, he sends a team of super handsome people to go into space and punch the rock until doesn’t exist anymore. And just when you think the movie is getting get a little brighter for us city loving hipsters, the jackasses in space that were supposed save us, end up making matters worse by splitting the asteroid in two. So there, by the end of the movie, our city is getting hit with two Bruce Willis heads.

Godzilla (1998)

In a bizarre turn of events, Godzilla decides he’s finally done fucking with the Japanese for the past 60 years and that it’s time to mess with everyone else. While the film probably makes no sense (saw it in theaters when I was like 4), what I do remember was the lizard eating a lot of helicopters and stepping on a bunch of cars. I’m pretty sure he punches the empire state building a few times too, for being like in the way or something. Well at least Ferris Beuller survives right…..wait does he?

I Am Legend (2007)

The Fresh Prince himself is somehow the last man on “earf” as New York City finally gets taken over by the Bronx Zoo. I haven’t seen the movie myself so I don’t know what the deal is, but i’m pretty sure there zombies somewhere in this film too.

Independence Day (1996)

Don’t let that iconic poster fool you, New York City gets it the worst in ol’ ID4. The aliens are finally fed-up with the human race for having thumbs or something and decide it’s time that we met our match. They take they biggest in their arsenal ship, park that shit over the biggest phallus they could find (Empire State Building again. Godzilla gave them the heads up I guess) and fire away. Now not only do they blow up the iconic NYC building building, they send fiery waves across NYC, causing Will Smith’s family to run a whole lot. And they almost kill a dog too which is a big no-no. This later leads to the Fresh Prince punching a lot of E.T.’s in the face and saying “Welcome to Earf bitch” in one of the best blaccents Hollywood can buy. I’d say they almost make a convincing threat until Jeff Golblum and Fresh Prince defeat them with the internet. Shit you not! Almost as dumb an ending as…..

War of the Worlds (2005)

Tom Cruise, like his black brotha above has to save mankind with that one girl from Cat in the Hat. In this movie, New Yorkers and New Jersey-ites (what do you call a New Jersey person? Bori….) are dissolved into dust. Such a menacing threat for the human race. Just horrifying. It’s just too bad they were defeated by motherfucking water. Note to Aliens: If your biggest Achilles heel is H2O, try not to invade the planet that consists of 90% of it. Like seriously, you guys did no research whatsoever? Nice.

Planet of the Apes (1968)

They’re being inside of cages, and decide to blame the humans much like our thumbless aliens of ID4. What do they do? The knock over Lady Liberty. The very symbol of Freedom. Asshats. But not big an asshat as…..

King Kong (Eternally I guess)

……..this primate jerk. This particular freaking guy takes the cake. The whole cake. Not only does he make New York his bitch, he does it on 3 separate occasions. Once in 1933, again in 1976 (in which he jumps from one twin tower to another with ease) and again in 2005 with Peter Jackson recording the whole thing. But enough with the animals. It’s time for Mother Nature to get a piece of the action…….

The Day After Tomorrow (2004)

From the terrorists that brought you “Independence Day” comes one of the more popular of the New York bashing films. Not only does NY get the Atlantis treatment, Santa comes early and freezes that shit over with a quickness. Then the films’ director has the nerve to ask, “Where will you be?” Well if that poster has any say, scuba diving out with my boy Aquaman somewhere underneath all that tragedy.

Honorable Mentions

Category 7: The End of the World

Meteor

Gangs of New York

2012

Spider Man 1, 2 and 3

X-Men

Ghostbusters

A.I.

Live Free or Die Hard

Die Hard With A Vengence

Screw it, The Die Hard Franchise

The Incredible Hulk

Hellboy

Watchmen

Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer

My personal favorite, Disaster Zone: Volcanoes in New York (you know exactly what you’re getting into there)

Sex and the City 2

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Escape From New York

Final Fantasy the Spirits Within

The Warriors (Coney Island never looked so bleak)

Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs

Knowing

The Day the Earth Stood Still (2008)

The Happening

The Avengers

Watchmen

Ghostbusters (at least this one was cute though)

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within

Skyline

 

……..I can keep going if you want me to……..